I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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