now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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