I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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