Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
