You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
