I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
