So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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