Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
