Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
