Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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