I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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