Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
