Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
