I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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