I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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