i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
