Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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