next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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