The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
