I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
