The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
