She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
