Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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