you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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