The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
