Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
