life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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