I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
