I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
