I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
