you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
