remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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