And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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