Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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