i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
