Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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