hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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