I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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