I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
