Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
