I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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