Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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