You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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