I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
