i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
