She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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