Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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