I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
