she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
