No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
