I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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