its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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